Why is it now a thing for a classic children's stories to get turned into very cheaply made horror films yes there very cheap and easy to make but alot of them have no creativity to them. With the film that i'm going to be reviewing for you all today being ANOTHER one of these films that are based off of a kids story only unlike say Mouse Of Horror for example this one isn't based off of anything that is under copyright law which makes it all the more perplexing that it's taken until now for this version of the story to be made and so then join me as I review the film that sees four classic kids characters get turned into slasher villain for literally no reason whatsoever with the film in question being called simply just "Goldilocks And The Three Bears: Death And Porridge" enjoy.
The plot of this film is when some friends accidentally find themselves at the wrong home for a brief holiday they have to try and survive when they find themselves under attack by a girl and three bears. Now then interms of what I personally thought / felt about the actual plot that's actually featured / presented to us in this very film well then in all honesty I in all honesty personally thought / felt that the actual plot that's actually featured / presented to us in this very film was in all honesty just as bad as you'd think it would be and not in a fun way either as everything that you think that this film will do from a plot point of vie they do it as they hit all of the horror tropes including not being able tp use a phone for insert reason here and in this case not being able to use the internet and it's this lack of creativity that makes what could have been a good and fun plot seem dull and generic as this is a plot that's been done ten times better in other horror films heck even The Mouse Trap has a better plot then this and while that film has it own set of problems with it's plot the one thing it is not was predictable where as here you can tell right away what horror plot tropes that there going to hit as it's just that generic with it being made clear as day that the makers of this film were banking on the fact that they had four kids characters as there main villain as next to no effort was put into making the plot of this film actually good with the plot of this film not even being really rather entertaining and nor is it really rather engaging either in my freaking opinions anyways / at least.
Starring in this film is Abigail Huxley as Kelly , Olga Solo as Goldilocks and Jack Barry as Mama Bear and Julian Amos as Norman. Also starring in this film is Grace Darling Smith as Baby Bear , this films co-writer and director Craig Rees as Simon , Mali Crowley as The Tortured Teenager , Susan Franks as Jamie , Robson Medler as Daddy Bear , Jimmy Roberts as George and Flex Friday TV Show star Flex Singh as Jas.
Now then interms of what I personally thought / felt about the actual acting that's actually featured / presented to us in this very film well then in all honesty I in all honesty personally thought / felt that the actual acting that's actually featured / presented to us in this very film was in all honesty really bad. Even for one of these films the acting was laughably bad which at first might seem unforgiveable but then when you look into the films IMDB page you discover that alot of this films actors are making there acting debut's with this film and those that aren't have only been in short films at best but even with that excuse in mind there should have been some effort to make this films laughably bad acting at the very least somewhat tolerable to watch but as the makers of this film but more attention into the fact that the had four kids characters as the main villains then they did the actual important aspects of the film then what we are left with is a bunch of actors who are mostly feeling lost with the only decent actor in this film being Olga Solo as Goldilocks who at the very least sounds like that she's having fun playing the character altho with the bad audio that they give the character it really is hard to tell what she's actually saying with the acting in this film not really being helped by the fact that this films script is just so bad as it gives none of this films actors absolutely nothing to work with interms of what it is that there actual characters personalities are even meant to be in the first place which is something that really does harm the overall quality of the acting that's in this very film.
For all of the many , many , many things that this film gets wrong the one thing that it gets right is the fact that at times it is very visually stunning to look at. With that being due to the fact that this films cinematographer Toson Chan not only knew what he was doing but he was also a co-producer on the film as well and because of that we do get alot of really nice looking shots that don't feel at home in this film but would feel more at home in other and quite frankly better movies and while alot of the shots do look nice alot of the time as well with the film making use of warm colors when the characters are safe at the start of movie before then going into more cooler colors when Goldilocks and the three bears do start to attack them the film does also choose to mute the colors when our heroes are being attacked as well when it would have made more sense for the makers of this film to just stick with cooler colors rather making use of alot of browns as then you have the contrast from the start of the movie with the warmer colors being used to represent safety and the cooler colors being used to represent the fact that the characters are in danger when were using alot of brown on the main characters just makes the whole film look ugly and less colorful and given what type of film that this is and the fact that it was never going to win any awards in the first place you could really go over the top with the colors just to highlight the pure insanity that the very concept behind this film really is as let's be honest here the very idea of kids characters being turned into slasher villains is such an insane idea that having these bright and over the top colors would oddly work in he films favor.
Out of all of these horror films that i've seen this one is quite easily one of the more worst ones as even Mouse Of Horrors was entertaining in alot of respects. This film isn't even so bad that it's good it's just bad and it's because of the fact that even tho it tried to have a comedic relief character in George that did call out the fact that it's laughable that Goldilocks and the three bears are trying to kill them the film doesn't go all the way with as as it would have been more fun to see the characters act like how they do in a the original 1837 Robert Southey story only you put more of a darkly comedic twist to it as then the characters personalities become heightened enough that it becomes funny and there still true to how they written in the third and most famous version of the story as here the characters are all acting super serious and because of that what should have been a slasher comedy film is instead played straight and the film looses all the potential that it had to be a fun film because of it when going the opposite route would have made the film more entertaining to watch and while yes granted it wouldn't have fixed literally any of the films issues it would then say that the makers of the film knew what kind of film that they were making and so they just had fun with it where as here it comes across as the makers of the film wanting to make a more serious slasher film without realizing that the villains of the films are kids characters with that idea alone making it more funny then what it ended up being as what we ended up is a boring film that to be frank really isn't all that fun of a film to watch when it should have been alot more fun due to it's villains alone.
Even films like Peter Pan's Neverland Nightmare knew to be different enough from horror films that it can stand out on it's own. Where as this film is far to focused on hitting all of the tired horror tropes that you can see them all coming away and because of that it makes this film comes across as being predictable when the film should have been trying to do something new and different but because of the fact that the makers of this film were more focused on having a bunch of well known characters as there villains that the whole film comes across as being tired and cliched and yet even tho Peter Pan's Neverland Nightmare was also boring alot of the time the makers of that film were at least willing to listen to what the fans of the Blood And Honey films wanted where as the makers of this film won't get that chance as there's no way there going to be making a sequel to this film this is despite the fact that this film literally just ends with the main villain Goldilocks not even being killed off the very thing that you'd expect to happen in a slasher film and even if it did get a sequel there's no way that they can continue the story of this film as it was all wrapped up by the film came to a stop and while the makers of this film do get some small credit for at the very least going out there and actually making a film they still failed to do even the most basic of film making tricks to make the film actually good in the first place which means that all wen end up with is a film that we know where it's going to go from the very first frame of the film with the film going to those exact places in the exact same way that's been done in other and better horror films something that Peter Pan's Neverland Nightmare really didn't do all that much.
As with all of these films that have a classic kids character as there main villain where this film really does falls to pieces is the fact that it's characters just aren't that interesting or well written for that matter. As none of this films characters have absolutely nothing interesting about them whatsoever they start something with the blonde haired girl having a dream about what happens at the end of the movie but the film does nothing with it and doesn't even mention it at all all throughout the movie which makes it a pointless thing to set up in the first place with all of this films characters at best being one dimensional characters and at worst just flat out being dull and boring characters to watch in this film as the blonde Kelly has about as much personality as a grain of sand and George he tries to the clown of the group but isn't given anything that's actually funny to say or do and the rest of the films characters just fall into the background apart from Simon and maybe Jas and that's really it with all of this films characters being the kind of characters that you'll forget about five minuets after you've seen the film so say what you will about the Blood And Honey films but they at the very least tried to make characters that you might remember and here's hoping that Popeye The Slayerman does that as well as just counting on the fact that your main villain is a beloved childrens character doesn't mean that you have to slack of in other aspects of the film as all that does is make the makers of this film and other films like this seem like lazy people who are only made there movies so that they try can try and make some easy money without actually putting in the work to make something that alot of people will actually like and possibly even enjoy as well.
Now then this film has / had an exact grand total running time of exactly one hour and twenty two minuets and twenty eight seconds. Which to be fair is pretty much the exact grand total running time that all of these films seem to have with this film not even having the right amount of plot there to really cover that amount of running time as this film only has enough plot to cover about twenty minuets if that with this film not even using its running time all that wisely as literally nothing about this film is explained at all so we don't get to find why Goldilocks is wearing a mask nor do we get to find out why the three bears are literally people in costumes nor do we get to find out why the main character of the film had a dream about the end of the film with this not really being helped by the fact that this film doesn't even develop any of it's characters as all of this films characters are just bland characters who just do things because the plot of the film demands that they do it and we don't even get a good look at the films villains to will past the TWENTY minuet mark of the film and even then the first kill of the film doesn't come to well past the FORTY minuet mark which is always going to be a bad sign as now we are forced to stay with these characters that the film gives us no reason to care whatsoever with the film not even using that time to make give us a reason to care for them or develop them in such a way that we do end up caring for them for all the while the film tries and fails to build up suspense for the characters that we actually want to see in the film but I really will admit that this film really doesn't have good pacing to it tho.
So now then as this is a slasher that really does mean that I have to actually talk about the actual kills that are actually featured / presented to us in this very film well then in all honesty i in all honesty personally thought / felt that the actual kills that are actually featured / presented to us in this very film was in all honesty not that bad but at the same time tho this films weren't all that good either. As while we do get to see some impressive looking make up effects for this films tiny budget the actual kills themselves just oddly feel tame in comparison to other films like this one where the kills are usually highlight of the film and given who the killers are meant to be in this film and the fact that all of the killers have there own unique weapon it would have been fun to see have them kill of these characters in rather unique and disturbing ways but for one reason or another the film just plays it safe by having the characters either be burned to death by having boiling hot porridge dumbed on there faces or just being shot in the head and while the porridge kills does work as it does play into the original story it would have been more fun if we saw more kills that played into the original story as that at the very least would be putting a uniquely dark spin on the original Goldilocks story but for one reason or another the makers of this film chose not go that route and instead all we get is a bunch of kills that are just tame when they should have been alot more extreme and fun to watch in my freaking opinions anyways / at least.
Overall it doesn't really need saying but this film is just so bad this isn't a film that could recommended to people who love bad movies or horror films as there's nothing of value to be found in this film with this film not even being so bad that it's good it's just a flat out bad film that isn't even entertaining in the slightest way possible as that's just how bad that this film really is in my freaking opinions anyways / at least. Now then i've talked about all of the good an as well as all of the bad things that are in this very film in this very review and as such that really does mean that this very film really does earn itself a grand old score of exactly a 2 out of 10 from me.
Now then as for where I personally got all of the images that I personally used in this very review well then boys and girls and as well as ladies and gentlemen I personally got all of the images that I personally used in this very review from Tenor , IMP Awards . Com and Google Images. With my personally preferred website to use to get images from this film being Google Images simply because Google Images actually has images from this film really are up and on Google Images and plus pretty much much all of the images that I personally found on Google Images were all really very fairly high quality and as well as being as really very fairly high definition as well and so then horror fans we end this review as we always do with really our one and true goddess Elvira wishing us all some really very unpleasant dreams.
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